


i'm eating pussy like it's oreos

by felixsfreckles



Series: loving felix hours :')) [2]
Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Lee Felix (Stray Kids)-centric, M/M, Sad boi hours, Self Harm, Suicide Attempt, but theyre there, perhaps im kinda proud of this one, sad lix, the others arent rly mentioned
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-16
Updated: 2019-07-16
Packaged: 2020-06-29 16:59:07
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,467
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19834606
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/felixsfreckles/pseuds/felixsfreckles
Summary: in which felix can't take it anymore,maybe death sounds better.





	i'm eating pussy like it's oreos

**Author's Note:**

> tw: self harm and suicide attempt pls don't read it if you're sensitive to it, your wellbeing comes first ily <33

felix didn't know how he ended up here. the damp feeling of rain slid down his face, mixing with what used to be tears. he'd cried enough already, and now all that's left is a shell of who he used to be.

the cool concrete felt grittier under his fingertips. there was an occasional zoom of a car speeding by, but not a single one noticed him.

_'i guess this is it._ ' felix thought, sliding closer to the edge.  
  
  
  
  
  


it hadn't always been like this.

from a young age the australian had been a explosive and happy - a ray of sunshine. but slowly over the years, his glow died down to a dim light.

his parents who had once been so supportive of him had turned against him once they realized their perfect son didn't want to be a doctor or a lawyer, but instead an idol.

they used harsh words to try to convince the once bright boy, never realizing the impact of it, or perhaps just not giving a shit about it.

at the age of 14 felix had been kicked out of his own home. he stayed with a friend until he got tossed away once more when his supposed friend found out his sexuality.

at just 16, felix worked his ass off to afford a one way ticket to south korea, ready to fulfill his dreams.

he had already passed the audition in australia, going behind his mother's back to do so.

felix expected his life to be okay again. he was expecting a fresh start, but he was wrong.

so wrong.

monthly evaluation after another, he would get pushed down by producers and executives.

_'you're korean isn't good enough.' 'your rapping is too choppy.' 'it doesn't sound good.'_

he's heard it all. the young boy pushed through it just to achieve his dreams. he had already come so far what's the point of giving up.

at the time he had something to fight for, but it was so hard to maintain when all he was getting was criticism.

felix's anxiety had skyrocketed the same year. hell, he couldn't get a wink of sleep without sleeping pills and could barely hold down his meals.

when they finally debuted, it had been a dream come true. everything seemed okay again, but the honeymoon phase didn't last long.

it all started with the member's parents coming to their debut showcase. each and every member had at least one family member except for felix.

the parents were all invited backstage to congratulate their children.

but felix? his parents were all the way across the word, not caring about their son at all.

all the members had wept tears of joy and hugged their parents close. even chan's mom was here, and she lived just as far as felix's did.

the rapper couldn't stand to see the scene without breaking down so he excused himself to go to the bathroom.

no one realized he had no one until he came back and all the parents were already seated with their child.

felix, however, chose to sit in a corner, no one beside him.

the members could tell something was wrong, felix felt the concerned stares thrown at him.

minho, being the absolute sweetheart he is, whispered something to his mother before standing up and walking towards the corner.

he sat down with a plop. "hey," the elder smiled.

felix who had been looking down at his lap the whole time looked up in surprise. "why are you here, should you be talking to your family?"

minho's eyes widened at the sight of felix's red rimmed glossy eyes, then the pity kicked in.

"nah i've talked enough. and plus, you're my family too," minho said while linking hands with felix's even tinier hand.

and something inside the younger broke down because the boy started crying.

minho's heart started beating faster when he heard the whimpers coming from the smaller boy and so he took him into his arms, holding him tight whilst patting his back.

"shh it's alright, let it out." he whispered gently.

the other members took note of felix crying and excused their parents from the room. of course, every parent was understanding as they say the australian alone.

the rest came up to the crying boy that was buried in minho's chest and all patted his back softly. 

they whispered kind words and settled into a group hug.

felix couldn't have been more grateful for such caring friends, and decided to tell them the truth.

"so m-my parents aren't here b-because," he started.

"it's okay take your time," chan smiled encouragingly.

and so, felix told them the whole truth.

and cried a lot more of course.

———-

then, came the hate comments.

they all swarmed at once, negative upon negative comments. it was almost as if no one actually wanted him in the group, and voiced their opinions heavily.

_'they should've debuted with 8.'_   
_'how could he have made it when the rest are so much better.'_   
_'why is felix here ugh.'_   
_'his fucking accent lmaoo pathetic.'_

they kept coming like a never ending waterfall of hate.

the members didn't notice him open up his phone to read what people had to say about him every morning.

they all thought he was just playing some game or something.

felix thought it was normal and everything would die down soon but it never did.

the negative words seeped into his brain, until he believed them.

and he listened to them. he stopped eating full meals. he never got more than 4 hours of sleep. he practiced until he dropped. hell, he even fainted a couple times.

that was when the members started to notice. they tried to stop him but it was so hard when he was that far gone.

felix tried so hard to be good enough, not understanding he was already and more.

but even when he did what the comments told him to, they still weren't satisfied.

instead of _'ew why's felix so chubby'_ they said _'he's so grossly thin, no one wants that.'_

they could never be stopped and felix couldn't figure that out. he tried so fucking hard to please the voices but it never worked.

and so he broke.

it started small from just snapping a rubber band on his wrist when he was frustrated with himself.

it still wasn't enough. even when his skin was sore and raw from the rubber, he wanted more.

it moved on to razors. at first the pain was to discipline himself but then it became addicting.

the members knew something was wrong with felix's mental health and tried to talk to him about it, but almost none succeeded.

none but one.

they didn't realize it was this bad until it was too late.

——-

and here felix was, on a bridge at 2:00 in the morning. the rain was pouring hard almost as if the word was suffering with him.

_'it would be better if you jumped.'_  
 _'no one would miss you.'_  
 _'you're such a burden on the group.'_  
 _'just jump._ '

the tight grip felix had on the railing slowly loosened as he listened to the voices.

he couldn't break free from the voices in his head.

felix took his last breath and pushed off, awaiting his death-  
  
  


but a voice called out and a tight grip cast upon his thin wrist.

the same person pulled him into their chest and it felt so so familiar.

minho.

how could he forget.

the one who first hugged him when his parents weren't there with him.

the one who bandaged his wrists after countless breakdowns.

the one who made him feel safer, happier.

minho, his boyfriend.

"i'm so sorry hyung," felix whispered, finally feeling the tears streaming down his face.

the elder pulled him closer to his chest, just as he had done the first time.

"you're okay, you're okay," he whispered into felix's hair like a mantra.

"it'll be alright, i'm here for you." minho held him like he was made of glass, his own tears running down his face. his voice was shaking badly.

"i'm so sorry i don't kno-"

"it's okay, you don't have to explain now. i understand. i'll always understand."

they were both shivering in the cold rain, but warm in each other's embrace.

how minho knew felix was going to be here, felix didn't know.

it was a silent ride home, and the two changed quickly, trying not to wake the others.

minho held felix once again, and pulled a blanket over both of them.

he kissed the younger's forehead, nose, and finally lips gently.

felix snuggled closer to his boyfriend.

he wasn't okay, but maybe just for now he'll pretend to be, as long he was in minho's arms.


End file.
